Tag Archives: mind

Being Still

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I have been away for a long time…

So, where have I been?

To put it quite frankly I have been away…BEING STILL. Yes, You read that right, The last few months I took time out to do the least, be still, focus on myself, and reevaluate many things in my life. In doing this I found the greatest gift of all…I found God.

Finding God honestly wasn’t my goal. I took time to be still because my life was not going the way that I wanted it to. I had, had and extremely stressful second year of my MBA program, and I had decided to separate myself, be by myself, and just be still with my thoughts. I will admit, when I first decided to do this it was 100% due to my depression. I didn’t have an awe inspiring moment of retrospective where I knew this is what I HAD TO DO to better myself. No, I just didn’t want to be around happy people because I felt so crappy. I was having a hard time finding a job that I wanted, and as I saw all of my friends landing their dream jobs. I was left feeling like God had forgotten me. I didn’t want to be around them as they were happy, and joyous. As they knew of their future plans and were making arrangements for their new lives, I was left wondering “Whats going to happen to me”. I just didn’t want to be around the swirling questions of “So, what are you doing next year?”, and me having to admit that I hadn’t achieved the goal that we were all in B-School for. This avoidance led to me wanting to be alone. Alone with myself, and thoughts.  I stopped going out with my friends, and even skipped graduation because I didn’t want to be bothered to be around people. I only really spent time with my boyfriend and my roommate. Other than that, I was withdrawn. I would drink and smoke to cope only to wake up the next day feeling even more depressed.

In the midst of this depression, I saw an IG post for a church about 20 mins away from my apartment. A girl who I use to be best friends with in high school had posted it. I then went to the churches IG page and began watching its content. I was immediately drawn to the messages, and I knew that I had to go visit this church for myself. I had been attending another popular church in my area, but I was only attending to check that box of ✔️Im going to church✔️Im a good Christian…so now God will bless me.  It didn’t better me, nor did I have a desire to change my life M-Sa. But this new church….it just felt different.

Im not going to lie, it wasn’t just an overnight thing. I didn’t walk in the doors of the church and my life just magically changed. I had to really lean in, and keep attending. This new church kept me coming back because it intrigued me, it made me want to read the Bible for myself and learn more. I still was battling with depression but going to church and learning about God and chasing after him slowly began to change my mindset. I stopped drinking and smoking. I was more conscientious of the media that I consumed. As I said, it wasn’t an overnight thing and there were times when I sat there and was like “What is all this for. Is God even real?” But when I would feel this way, I would give myself a few days of frustration and then come back push in even more to build a relationship with Him. I would pray harder, I would read my Bible more, and I would watch more sermons to get my spirit right. I even became heavily involved in my church to distract myself from my own thoughts.

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Me in Trinidad February 2019

Today I am able to honestly report that I am in such a GREAT SPACE. As, I said before this was not an overnight thing, and it took me some time to get to this space. If I had given up and quit with this journey I wouldn’t be where I am today. Mentally, and Emotionally, I am in such an AUTHENTIC happy space (authenticity is key). I attribute all of this due to me being STILL. The old me would have pushed more into partying, drinking and smoking to attempt to cope with the disappointments in my life but this time around I decided to do things differently. And with me doing so, I also found God. The best gift of my life.

I share this story to encourage you to not avoid your problems, not to drown yourselves in coping methods but to rather take time to be STILL. A Lot of time. Not just a week or a weekend. It might take months, but keep still until the atmosphere changes. Keep still and find enriching things to fill your time. Keep still and find God.

 

XoXo -Kim

 

Did I stick to my 2018 Goals?

Often times I find that we make these new years resolutions and we never actually revisit them after January. I wanted to look at what I wrote down as my New Years resolution for 2018 and see if I was able to stick with some of what I wrote down. This is not only a means of holding myself accountable but also a means of encouraging myself to stick on the path that I am on and work harder at things that I wrote down. So without further ado, lets get into it!

  1. No more self silencing – This was something that was directed towards one person in my life who use to make me feel really bad about expressing myself. He was constantly criticizing me and making it seem as though everything that came out of my mouth was WRONG or STUPID (which was really funny because he literally was a person that had not one pot to piss in). This is what caused me to self silence as a means to not offend this person. I never had this issue with anyone else. Long story short, it was HIM not ME, and my life has been way better ever since we have broken ties. So I do not self silence and I guess I technically never really did.
  2. No More Comparing – Sadly, this again ties into #1. This person made me feel so crappy about myself that I was CONSTANTLY comparing myself to other women. I got rid of his negativity and began comparing myself WAY LESS.
  3. Self Preservation – I think that this year I have done a better job of self preservation but I definitely can do better. One great thing that happened to me in the last quarter of the year was that I began drinking way less and started being a little bit more conscience and aware of what I was putting in my body. I also tried to be aware of what I was watching and listening to, because as you may or may not know, all of that can really have an affect on your everyday life.  I also began going to church on a weekly basis and utilized the word as a means of mental renewal.
  4. Using Social Media Less – I think that I had spurts of when I was using it less, but definitely not where I want to be. If you know anything, then you should know that social media is a tool that can really kill ones spirit.
  5. No complaining, Positive Outlooks Only – I have gotten way better at this! I try to be more aware of what I am saying and how I am thinking in general. This has allowed me to be less depressed and really push through the hard times.
  6. Be more prepared – Last year I wrote this because school was a real struggle for me and I felt as though I was lacking, but in reality I am not this ill prepared person.
  7. Work Harder – This is something that everyone can try to better at year over year. Work harder than your hardest! I did do that this past year, and I plan on doing it again in 2019!

Getting my spirit right – How to make the first steps to change your life

I am realizing now that for the last few years my spirit has been all wrong. If you asked my then though, I would have said it was in the right place.

As hard as it is to admit, this time last year I was arrogant (because I was entering an MBA program), I was scared (because I was entering an MBA program), I was jealous (I was always comparing others lives to mine), I was mean (using my power to hurt others if I felt like I was wronged), I was depressed ( I was in a toxic relationship with a person who was lost too), and I was constantly filled with anxiety (I always consumed myself with thoughts of the future and what was going to happen to me). I thought I was a good person but in reality I was lost and bound to the person society said I should be (looking at the way black women are portrayed in the media, I was fitting in very well with that mold). It took me some time and some bad incidences to realize that something in my life had to change. I could no longer keep waking up with a deep aching feeling inside of my chest and having the occasional cry in my car just to “let things out”. I needed more, a lot more. And that is when I decided that I was going to push myself and seek out God.

Now that I am on a spiritual journey and rediscovering Christ I realized that I had to turn away from A LOT. In order to do so I had to sit and really think about the things I needed to eliminate in order to get to where I’m was trying to be. Below are a few things I’ve changed:

1. Decreasing my time spent on social media – this is a hard one but a necessary one. I haven’t given it up cold turkey but I did delete my Instagram app. I was spending hours looking at what everyone else was doing in their lives and would begin feeling depression or envy. In order to combat this I deleted my app to decrease my accessibility to those thoughts and feelings.

2. Reading my Bible, watching sermons – it’s amazing how the things we go through today are written about in the Bible. God has provided us with the blueprint to properly navigate through our lives, all we have to do is read what’s in his word.

3. Forcing myself to think positively– I was told that if you force yourself to think positively, it trains your brain, over time, to think positively. This is important in combating negative feelings that may be weighing you down. I have really made a point to do this daily and I have already been feeling a massive difference

4. Talking to someone – whether it be a counselor, a therapist, a pastor or a life coach, talking to a professional on the regular will help with trying to change your life. And no I’m not talking about your best friend who is probably just as lost, hurt and broken as you, but a real professional who knows what they are talking about and who can give you techniques to strive and get better.

5. Changing what I eat – believe it or not what you eat actually affects your mood and behavior. You eat junk, you’re going to get junk. Changing up my diet is still something I’m working on but I have decreased the amount of junk foods in my diet. Though it’s hard being a college student and not eating out, this is essential in turning things around.

I have a lot more tips that I will save for another post but these are just a few that I have started with to help me down the right path. So far, just a few weeks in to my journey and with these changes I have already been able to FEEL a really big change!