Tag Archives: self aware

Being Still

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I have been away for a long time…

So, where have I been?

To put it quite frankly I have been away…BEING STILL. Yes, You read that right, The last few months I took time out to do the least, be still, focus on myself, and reevaluate many things in my life. In doing this I found the greatest gift of all…I found God.

Finding God honestly wasn’t my goal. I took time to be still because my life was not going the way that I wanted it to. I had, had and extremely stressful second year of my MBA program, and I had decided to separate myself, be by myself, and just be still with my thoughts. I will admit, when I first decided to do this it was 100% due to my depression. I didn’t have an awe inspiring moment of retrospective where I knew this is what I HAD TO DO to better myself. No, I just didn’t want to be around happy people because I felt so crappy. I was having a hard time finding a job that I wanted, and as I saw all of my friends landing their dream jobs. I was left feeling like God had forgotten me. I didn’t want to be around them as they were happy, and joyous. As they knew of their future plans and were making arrangements for their new lives, I was left wondering “Whats going to happen to me”. I just didn’t want to be around the swirling questions of “So, what are you doing next year?”, and me having to admit that I hadn’t achieved the goal that we were all in B-School for. This avoidance led to me wanting to be alone. Alone with myself, and thoughts.  I stopped going out with my friends, and even skipped graduation because I didn’t want to be bothered to be around people. I only really spent time with my boyfriend and my roommate. Other than that, I was withdrawn. I would drink and smoke to cope only to wake up the next day feeling even more depressed.

In the midst of this depression, I saw an IG post for a church about 20 mins away from my apartment. A girl who I use to be best friends with in high school had posted it. I then went to the churches IG page and began watching its content. I was immediately drawn to the messages, and I knew that I had to go visit this church for myself. I had been attending another popular church in my area, but I was only attending to check that box of ✔️Im going to church✔️Im a good Christian…so now God will bless me.  It didn’t better me, nor did I have a desire to change my life M-Sa. But this new church….it just felt different.

Im not going to lie, it wasn’t just an overnight thing. I didn’t walk in the doors of the church and my life just magically changed. I had to really lean in, and keep attending. This new church kept me coming back because it intrigued me, it made me want to read the Bible for myself and learn more. I still was battling with depression but going to church and learning about God and chasing after him slowly began to change my mindset. I stopped drinking and smoking. I was more conscientious of the media that I consumed. As I said, it wasn’t an overnight thing and there were times when I sat there and was like “What is all this for. Is God even real?” But when I would feel this way, I would give myself a few days of frustration and then come back push in even more to build a relationship with Him. I would pray harder, I would read my Bible more, and I would watch more sermons to get my spirit right. I even became heavily involved in my church to distract myself from my own thoughts.

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Me in Trinidad February 2019

Today I am able to honestly report that I am in such a GREAT SPACE. As, I said before this was not an overnight thing, and it took me some time to get to this space. If I had given up and quit with this journey I wouldn’t be where I am today. Mentally, and Emotionally, I am in such an AUTHENTIC happy space (authenticity is key). I attribute all of this due to me being STILL. The old me would have pushed more into partying, drinking and smoking to attempt to cope with the disappointments in my life but this time around I decided to do things differently. And with me doing so, I also found God. The best gift of my life.

I share this story to encourage you to not avoid your problems, not to drown yourselves in coping methods but to rather take time to be STILL. A Lot of time. Not just a week or a weekend. It might take months, but keep still until the atmosphere changes. Keep still and find enriching things to fill your time. Keep still and find God.

 

XoXo -Kim

 

MBA Chronicles : Scared outta my MIND

 

Have you ever been so afraid to do something major in your life that, that doubt prevents you from achieving your goals? This is something that I am being forced to overcome while pushing ahead with my MBA ambitions.

It is so crazy, because this is what I have wanted so badly for the last four years, and yet now that I am here, I am scared out of my mind. With every pre-course that I work on and with every case study that we are given to review, I feel more and more nervous that this is something that I can not do. I keep thinking, is this normal? Why am I doubting myself so badly?

I think part of the reason all of these feelings have been rushing in is partly because I was not mentally prepared for how much work I was going to have to do prior to school starting. I believed that I could have one summer of just chilling with no job, waking up when ever I wanted, until school started….WRONG.

This MBA program hasn’t even officially started and I have already turned in several assignments, taken several tests, and done so much research and preparation for my career aspirations.

Daily it is one thing after another ,and to be quite frank it is a bit overwhelming. BUT, although I am overwhelmed it is showing me that there are a lot of things that I need to improve on once I enter school.

The first thing being NOT PROCRASTINATING. Part of the reason I am in this extremely stressed space that I am in is because I went to Trinidad for two weeks and instead of doing work, I sat around all day and limed (Trini term for hanging out) with my family. Once school starts I obviously will have to step my game up and sacrifice sleep, and down time to do school work.

The second thing is my TIME MANAGEMENT SKILLS. I need to do a better job managing the time that I carve out dedicated to school work. There have been several days when I say I am going to wake up by a certain time to get work done and then I don’t start it until late.

The third thing is IMPROVE NOTE TAKING. I am the type of person who likes to take down super detailed notes. This has proved to be ineffective for me as I spend hours and hours just writing stuff down and not getting through the content quick enough. This ties back to TIME MANAGEMENT because I literally waste precious time writing things that may not necessarily need to be written down.

The fourth thing is STAYING POSITIVE. I don’t know why I am so hard on myself. I don’t know why I have a hard time looking for the good in stressful situations and striving past complaining. I think that with me being in an MBA program I don’t have time to be negative and to beat myself up. I need to ALWAYS stay positive, find a solution and work towards it.

As I work towards a better future for myself I have to remember this one thing, I CAN DO THIS, and I WILL DO THIS.