Tag Archives: self worth

Being Still

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I have been away for a long time…

So, where have I been?

To put it quite frankly I have been away…BEING STILL. Yes, You read that right, The last few months I took time out to do the least, be still, focus on myself, and reevaluate many things in my life. In doing this I found the greatest gift of all…I found God.

Finding God honestly wasn’t my goal. I took time to be still because my life was not going the way that I wanted it to. I had, had and extremely stressful second year of my MBA program, and I had decided to separate myself, be by myself, and just be still with my thoughts. I will admit, when I first decided to do this it was 100% due to my depression. I didn’t have an awe inspiring moment of retrospective where I knew this is what I HAD TO DO to better myself. No, I just didn’t want to be around happy people because I felt so crappy. I was having a hard time finding a job that I wanted, and as I saw all of my friends landing their dream jobs. I was left feeling like God had forgotten me. I didn’t want to be around them as they were happy, and joyous. As they knew of their future plans and were making arrangements for their new lives, I was left wondering “Whats going to happen to me”. I just didn’t want to be around the swirling questions of “So, what are you doing next year?”, and me having to admit that I hadn’t achieved the goal that we were all in B-School for. This avoidance led to me wanting to be alone. Alone with myself, and thoughts.  I stopped going out with my friends, and even skipped graduation because I didn’t want to be bothered to be around people. I only really spent time with my boyfriend and my roommate. Other than that, I was withdrawn. I would drink and smoke to cope only to wake up the next day feeling even more depressed.

In the midst of this depression, I saw an IG post for a church about 20 mins away from my apartment. A girl who I use to be best friends with in high school had posted it. I then went to the churches IG page and began watching its content. I was immediately drawn to the messages, and I knew that I had to go visit this church for myself. I had been attending another popular church in my area, but I was only attending to check that box of ✔️Im going to church✔️Im a good Christian…so now God will bless me.  It didn’t better me, nor did I have a desire to change my life M-Sa. But this new church….it just felt different.

Im not going to lie, it wasn’t just an overnight thing. I didn’t walk in the doors of the church and my life just magically changed. I had to really lean in, and keep attending. This new church kept me coming back because it intrigued me, it made me want to read the Bible for myself and learn more. I still was battling with depression but going to church and learning about God and chasing after him slowly began to change my mindset. I stopped drinking and smoking. I was more conscientious of the media that I consumed. As I said, it wasn’t an overnight thing and there were times when I sat there and was like “What is all this for. Is God even real?” But when I would feel this way, I would give myself a few days of frustration and then come back push in even more to build a relationship with Him. I would pray harder, I would read my Bible more, and I would watch more sermons to get my spirit right. I even became heavily involved in my church to distract myself from my own thoughts.

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Me in Trinidad February 2019

Today I am able to honestly report that I am in such a GREAT SPACE. As, I said before this was not an overnight thing, and it took me some time to get to this space. If I had given up and quit with this journey I wouldn’t be where I am today. Mentally, and Emotionally, I am in such an AUTHENTIC happy space (authenticity is key). I attribute all of this due to me being STILL. The old me would have pushed more into partying, drinking and smoking to attempt to cope with the disappointments in my life but this time around I decided to do things differently. And with me doing so, I also found God. The best gift of my life.

I share this story to encourage you to not avoid your problems, not to drown yourselves in coping methods but to rather take time to be STILL. A Lot of time. Not just a week or a weekend. It might take months, but keep still until the atmosphere changes. Keep still and find enriching things to fill your time. Keep still and find God.

 

XoXo -Kim

 

Dropping Baggage…so I could Travel

As 2016 comes to an end, I can honestly say that I have had one of the best years of my life. Was it less difficult than other years? No, But it was a tremendous year of growth, self discovery, and action. With all of these things came my desire to travel more, to be more open minded and more self assured. In the last year alone I have travelled to Dallas, Atlanta, Chicago, Los Angeles, Raleigh and Trinidad and Tobago. I will also be traveling back to Dallas in the next few weeks and to South Africa in December. This is the most I have traveled in a span of one year.

Prior to this year I was totting around a lot of baggage and it made it impossible for me to do the things I wanted to do such as TRAVEL. From 2013 to 2015,  I was in a difficult relationship that added a massive amount of stress to my life and spiraled me into a deep depression that I did not even realize I was in. The person that I was with during those two years would use his words to break down my spirit, morale and confidence. I can’t even tell you the amount of times that he told me the that I was worthless, a horrible person and that no one but him liked me. All of these things that he said fell in to the category of him “Keeping it real”.

I was afraid to leave because I was living in a city where I knew no one except for him, his friends and his family (none of whom I liked or liked me). Some way, some how I was able to finally leave, find my own place to stay and then a month later move back home with a new job.

Part of the reason why I made it such a point to Travel More this year was because when I was in that relationship I wasn’t allowed to do anything that I wanted to do, go where I wanted to go, or discover the things I wanted to discover. As soon as I moved back home it literally felt like a weight was lifted off of my shoulders and although I had to start all over again, it felt absolutely amazing to not have that person as baggage in my life weighing me down.

The sites, the sounds, and the people that I have met this year while traveling has been amazing and so worth it. And don’t get me wrong, I am not bashing my ex or holding on to the past. What I am doing is sharing my story to encourage other young women who may be going through the same things I was going through.

I encourage anyone of you who is dealing with baggage to drop it and start living the life God has ordained for you.